The Answer
by ever
Summary: When Buffy undergoes a tragic loss in her life she turns to Angel (again) for comfort, but finds that because of her pain she must push him farther away...


Name: The Answer  
Spoilers: Uh-huh season five of Angel and Buffy  
Feedback: pretty please! and tell me if you want a second part cuz' i've got a pretty good idea  
Timeline: this is what i think should happen in the season finale of Angel  
Author's Note: It's a little repetetive-- I know  
  
Of course it had to be like that, Buffy thought, as she watched the road fly by. The miles passed as the bus she was on took her ever closer to Sunnydale, the hellmouth, Dawn, Xander, Willow, and away from LA. G-d, what was she going to do? She felt like her heart and all of her internal organs were surging up through her mouth and all she wanted was for feet to sink to the floor, sink to the floor and cry and sob, like she knew she should be allowed to do. All she had wanted a couple days ago was to go to LA, find Angel, and have him hold her and rock her like last time. G-d, was that too much to ask?  
Last time when her mom had died. She reached up and covered her face in her hands forcing the tears not to come. Oh G-d, oh G-d she thought. What am I going to do? Glory had captured Dawn and through books and other artifacts they had learned that once to hellmouth was opened the only thing that could close it was Dawn's blood. Dawn's blood or anothers, was what it had actually said. And while the scoobies had pondered what that could have meant. Buffy had gone to fight. Dawn was all she had left and no one was going to take Dawn from her. She had thought. She had thought that Dawn was all she could loose, but she had so much more than that. She had Giles and now he was gone. Because somehow, in a way which Buffy hadn't even stuck around to find out about, Giles had found that he was the "other." And so at the last moment in the climactic battle Giles had gone, rushing headlong into the opening meant for Dawn. Her watcher, her mentor, her father, her friend, they were all Giles. And the only question that she couldn't keep off her mind was "oh G-d what was he going to do without him?"  
Then, she had gone to LA. Left the guilty Dawn and the grieving Scoobies and headed off to LA, to seek in the comfort in the only place she knew where to find it, Angel's arms. But of course that was impossible because with Angel there was always pain and she had been a fool not to see it and realize it. She had been stupid not to have understood and remembered and seen it coming. Oh G-d could things get any worse?  
So she had gone to LA as her last irrational and unadult act, because Giles had been the adult and her mom had been the adult and heck even Wesley and Angel had been the adults and now they were all gone and that left her, the slayer the strong one. And oh G-d how was she ever going to get through this?  
LA is the kind of city you could really get lost in if you don't know where you're going. In fact some people get lost there and don't ever find themselves again. But Buffy knew where she was going or so she thought. But when she got there Angel wasn't there. He was gone and so she wandered because she figured that maybe it would be easier to spend her life here, mourning all the loved ones that she had lost... Then she realized that the pain hurt too much and so she stumbled blindly searching for a haven and when she thought all hope was lost she looked up to the heavens and wondered," Oh G-d couldn't you just help me find my sanctuary?"  
And when she looked back down at again at the dark LA street she saw the neon sign "Caritas." Something about it said go there and so she went feeling as if her feet couldn't carry her much longer if she didn't find Angel. When she got to the club it was empty no owners, no people, no nothing. So she fell asleep slumped against one of the tables with the words ,"G-d, couldn't you just give me something for the pain?" on her lips.  
And she dreamt, of a time long ago when she had sent her lover to hell. She had closed the hellmouth saved the world and condemned herself to what she thought was lifetime of agony. Why, why had she done that because of his blood, because it was the only thing that could close the hellmouth, like Dawn, like Giles. Oh G-d, she awoke suddenly with the realization and the question "G-d, again? Why again?"  
Then the air in front of her began to change and twist and a portal opened and through it came Angel, Wesley, Cordelia, some green thing and another guy. And before Angel could run and take his heartbroken beloved in his arms a realization hit Buffy. Angel had been in another dimension, but he was supposed to take part in the apocalypse he was a "key" figure. He was the key. No, not the the key, he was the other. And Buffy let out a sob of grief and sank to the floor as she realized that Giles had taken Angel's place as the "other." And while her mind felt like it was going to break and her heart was in mouth and she wanted to grasp the floor and hold on to it because it was the only thing in her world that wasn't spinning, she asked herself," Oh G-d, what if Angel had been here?"  
What if I had, had to make the choice? And so while the figures of Dawn, Angel and Giles swirled in her head, Buffy was blessfully taken off into unconsciousness. And when she awoke she thought that it must have all been a dream, but there was the scar from the fight with Glory and there was Angel sitting on the end of the bed, looking concerned. Oh G-d what was she going to tell him?  
So she hugged herself and tried to hold the pain in and lied to him. She told him that Giles had died and how, but not why. He had tried to comfort her. She had wanted to let him, wanted to let him hold her because his arms would make the pain easier to bear, to hande. But then the pain ripped across her mind, Giles, the key. Oh G-d how was she ever going to deal with this?  
So she had told Angel that she had to go, made the excuse about being too needy again and he had nodded and understood and told that if there was ever anything... She had nodded and gone out into the sun, where he couldn't follow. And he had asked himself," G-d why does everything have to happen to her and why can't I ever stop it?"  
She walked around on the street for awhile, asking "G-d aren't you going to do something?" Finally she screamed ,"Answer me!" in her mind. But instead of a miracle or sign she heard Giles's voice in it's British accent, with his caring words. "G-d always answers Buffy," he said," but sometimes the answer is no."   
"Giles!" she managed to choke out, but no voice answered her, only the one in her head.  
And so now she was on a bus going back to Sunnydale, heading back towards Dawn, to comfort her and soothe away her guilt even as she tried to deal with her own and the pain and the... She would go back to Xander and Anya and Willow and the newly recovered Tara, because they were the adults. They were coming into her own. Maybe one day she would tell Angel what had happened and maybe one day she would be able to accept it too. She would be able to be thankful that Giles had given her his own "gift" of his life so that she could live hers in happiness, with her sister and her friends... and her Angel. Right now she would grieve and as the bus rounded the corner and she saw her friends standing at the station waiting for her she realized she would not grieve alone. And she thought " Thank you, G-d." 


End file.
